in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
