i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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