1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Randomize
