Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize