Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
