Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
