forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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