Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
