wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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