Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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