i think my tv is drunk
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize