i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
