Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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