I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
