During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
