I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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