No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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