I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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