Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
