Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
