It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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