I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
