i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
