I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
