mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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