U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
