Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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