Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
