life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
