I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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