you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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