is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
