I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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