i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
