i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
