How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
