I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
