everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize