it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
