who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
