I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize