I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
