she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
