ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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