Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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