Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize