I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
