Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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