all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
