Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
