You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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