I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
