Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
