it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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