Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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