My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
