I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize