Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
